Friday 20 January 2012

Help a writer polish their query please?

Remember the Query Crit Contest? Well when I contacted the owners of the queries I was going to crit, I told them I'd also post the query up on my blog and throw the critique out to all of you if they'd like me to.

A couple of days ago I sent Laura the crit I did. She revised her query and sent it back to me, and...it's looking good!

So now Laura and I would LOVE to get your opinion on the new version.

Be kind.

Be constructive.

You don't need to be an expert to have an opinion. And don't be a stranger to the tweet button at the bottom of this post - we want this thing so polished no agent out there can resist!



Dear Agent,
 
Farrah knows she is not human even if she looks it. She is a biologically manufactured soldier, who, by the age of seventeen has killed several people, knows how to drive a tank and could effortlessly outrun a grown man. Farrah also knows she's not supposed to have emotions or think for herself, and yet she does.
  
Having escaped the grey and bloodred life at Ares Industries Farrah hides in the small town of Riverfront, where she finds herself an ally in Sage Foster, a young astronomer. Even with her new identity as Sage’s stepsister, keeping a low profile isn’t easy.  After all, putting a bullet in someone’s head is not a solution at the local high school.
Slowly, and with the help of three friends and a boy who might understand her better than anyone else, she learns there's more to being human than acting like one. But Farrah can’t concentrate on becoming normal when operatives from Ares Industries, who want their expensive project back, are closing in on her. Having touched many lives, Farrah has more to keep safe than her identity and her newly discovered freedom.
 
BEING HUMAN is an urban science fiction novel for young adults, complete at 78,000 words. It is well able to stand alone but has series potential.
 
Thank you for your time and consideration.
 
Sincerely,
 
Laura Fey
 
 
 

15 comments:

  1. I'll start the ball rolling with this:

    I think it could use a contraction in the first sentence - she's instead of she is.

    Also, cliche alert! In the last line, I'm not loving 'Having touched many lives'. I think I'd prefer bringing it back to Sage which would make it more specific and the stakes more personal.

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  2. Ooooh, nice query! Your first paragraph rocks! (although I agree about adding a contraction in the first sentence) It's clear and focused and tells us all about the MC--well done!

    A few things tripped me up in the second para:
    -grey and bloodred (I'd write this as gray and blood-red in Am. English so I stumbled here, but I also wondered if the colors were necessary when you have so few words to wow in a query)
    -Sage Foster (I assume this is a girl, but I wasn't sure. Can you drop a hint?)
    -With the help of three friends and a boy who might ... (I wondered here, is Sage one of this crew? Is Sage that boy? My thoughts perked up at the idea of romance too, I must admit. If there is any, I'd name the boy so we have a stronger hint.
    -Having touched many lives ... (I agree with Ruth that you might want to drop this, and I'd say you can drop the entire last sentence of this para, and finish with the ops closing in on her. Exciting!)

    All in all, this seems very close, and sounds fascinating!
    Kip

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  3. nice, is strong and catches the attention. I agree with past posters, the last sentence is probably not needed. end it on that cliff hanger and it's stronger i believe.

    Seems like the sort of story that's popular these days though, and certainly has potential to act as a series. Good job :)

    Matt (Turndog Millionaire)

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  4. I confess I thought Sage was a boy and the love interest. That's why I suggested the return to Sage at the end rather than the generic 'touched many lives' thing.

    But now Kip and Matt have said that about the last line I agree - the penultimate line is a stronger way to finish.

    How about a swap around of those last two sentences? It would need a bit of tweaking, but I still like the idea of emphasising that the stakes aren't just Farrah's own safety anymore.

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  6. This is a pretty freaking great query, so let me just say that first. There's a great hook, it's well-written, and the stakes are high. Well done.

    Saying that, there a few suggestions I might make.
    -Agree with Ruth re: contraction in the first para
    -I know it's hinted at (because she feels when she isn't supposed to), but why does Farrah leave Ares? I personally think a quick line explaining what made her leave would be beneficial. Something like 'Tired of .... Farah escapes the grey and blood-red Ares Institute...'
    -Not sure what you mean about 'putting a bullet in someone's head is not a solution'. Solution to what? I'm not sure, but I think you might possibly mean that it's not acceptable? In any case, that one line could use a smidge of cleaning up, imo
    -Agree with the others re: cliche alert

    I really think this is well written and compelling, though, and that you'll have great success with it :)

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    1. Can't say as I need any more than what I get on why she leaves, but that other line about the bullet in someone's head is my fault! It's not quite right, is it? One of those where it's a tiny gamble over whether people glean the meaning from it.

      Maybe 'not acceptable behaviour at the local high school' or 'not a solution to problems settling in at the local high school'?

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  7. Agree with the above comments. Also, the sentence: "But Farrah can’t concentrate on becoming normal when operatives from Ares Industries, who want their expensive project back, are closing in on her," might read better without the disclaimer. Perhaps something like, "But Farrah can't concentrate on becoming normal when bounty hunters from Ares Industries are closing in on her."

    As for the "bullet in the head" -- I love it and think it would work with some clarification. Something like, "After all, putting a bullet in someone’s head is not the best way to solve conflict at the local high school."

    Best of luck -- sounds like a great read!

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  8. Laura - What a great query already! You've got an intriguing concept and I agree with the others who've said it's well written and already doing great work. My own approach to query writing is to view it as a very collaborative process, so I've taken your pitch and moved things around a little bit to shake things up, and edited a bit to remove anything that looks redundant. I'm also using brackets to point to areas where I think you could probably be more specific. The spicier you can make this query, the more irresistible it becomes, so don't hold back!

    You'll notice that I've removed your first sentence and that's because I think your second packs SO MUCH POWER. Also, if you start with your second sentence, you're starting off your pitch with a positive statement as opposed to a negative one.

    Okay, my take:

    Farrah is a biologically manufactured soldier, who, by the age of seventeen has killed, knows how to drive a tank, and could effortlessly outrun a grown man. She also knows she's shouldn't have emotions or think for herself, and yet she does [is it possible to add something more specific here? Why isn't she supposed to do these things?]. [Perhaps a statement about what she wants? Why she's unhappy? Some hint about why she escapes Ares?...a rephrasing of your first sentence in the second paragraph.]

    Finally free, Farah takes refuge in the small town of Riverfront, where she finds an ally in Sage Foster, a young astronomer. Even with her new identity as Sage’s stepsister, keeping a low profile isn’t easy. After all, putting a bullet in someone’s head is not a solution at the local high school. Slowly, and with the help of three friends and a [can you be specific about this boy? why might he understand her better? what makes him intriguing?], she learns there's more to being human than acting like one. But Farrah can’t concentrate on becoming normal when operatives from Ares Industries, who want their expensive project back, are closing in on her. To keep her new life safe, Farah will have to make a choice between being the killer she was bred to be, or being human [I'm spit-balling here, but I do agree with the other posters who've said the last line is a throw-away. I think you can make it much more pointed and this is just my quick stab at one. You, of course, know your story better than I!].

    That's it. Good luck, Laura!

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    Replies
    1. I like how you changed the first sentence. It does pack more punch.

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  9. Great query. I agree with the contraction. Touched many lives( I'd get rid of, too)
    When you say slowly, it makes me wonder how slow and how long it will take her.

    But Farrah can't concentrate// Feels like too much packed into one sentence.

    It's good and all the best.

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  10. I love the premise of this story. It’s a strong query. Well done Laura!
    I’m just wondering if it might be a stronger opening paragraph if you dropped ‘knows’. It’s assumed. I hope you don’t mind, but I’ve played around with the first few sentences.

    ‘Farrah’s not human even if she looks it. She’s a biologically manufactured soldier - a seventeen-year-old killer trained in weapons and tactical warfare. Physically superior to humans, she can effortlessly outrun a grown man. But Farrah’s not supposed to have emotions or think for herself…yet she does’

    Wishing you the very best of luck. Hope to see this book on the shelf of my local book store soon.

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  11. Great feedback people. This query is going to KILL! (or WORK!...you know what I mean.)

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  12. Aww I'm so happy right now. You guys made me happy! Thank you so much for all your comments and the great feedback. It helps a lot.

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    1. Best of luck with it Laura. Let us know how you get on!

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